March 25, 2013

I was bored for a large portion of my day. I really need to find more to do at work. I like it when I get to do stuff. Like help people with computer stuff or work with kids. I don't like sitting in the lab with nothing to do. I generally feel worthless on a daily basis. Have for years now. I don't like that feeling but it seems to be persistent and I am fairly certain it will always be there. Regardless of where I end up in life. I am able to ignore the feeling while I am busy and/or engaged in some activity that I enjoy, but that doesn't seem to come often enough for my liking. I want work to be that place but lately it has allowed me too much time in my head. I want to feel worthwhile.

Enough of that for now though.

This morning I read books with kindergarteners and later came back to help out with literacy centers. Then I had my literacy group with second grade. They were running late because of a thing in the library so we only had time to read through their story (loads of gross facts about bedbugs) but not to get to their packet.

This afternoon I had one class not show up. Then another class was twenty minutes early which put them right in the middle of another class's time, but that class hadn't shown up so I didn't think anything of it. And then the class showed up, a little over ten minutes late. So the other class packed up, the original class took their spot, I had a good conversation with that teacher, and then the other class came back. At one point the kindergarten teacher called me because one of the second grade teachers had a question about logging into laptops. I gave him the information that may be correct but I'll have to ask the second grade teacher when I see her if everything got worked out.

I learned that my para friend makes $.75/hour more than me but she also makes that for four hours a day. Even though she is there all day. She helps during lunch and then lunch recess, but during that time she has to clock out and clock in as something else and she only makes $7.25/hour for that. And then she does tutoring after school. That really sucks about the pay thing but at least she is doing something with her time. There's always that.

While we were talking one of the other paras came into the lab and my para friend started touching the other paras hoodie because it was really soft. This other para was also wearing bunny ears so with the para rubbing her hoodie it really looked like she was being pet. They got into a conversation about the hoodie and my para friend wanted to know what she was wearing under it for some reason and the para said she wasn't wearing a shirt under it. She then turned to face her and started to unzip the hoodie, all incognito, to prove her point, and I was just standing there awkwardly looking in the other direction. At one point they looked over and I just said “Well two can play at this game” and I started to unzip my hoodie. I thought it was pretty funny.

My last class of the day was second grade and I talked to the teacher about a lot of random stuff, plus watched two videos of her baby laughing, because babies laughing is pretty great. We talked about my fear in my early twenties that I would become schizophrenic because I learned in one of my Psychology classes that it usually manifests itself in men during their early twenties. I thought I was safe but then she mentioned that one of her friend's husband was just diagnosed with it and he is in his early thirties. So I've still got several years of worrying to do. We talked about seizures and epilepsy and brain surgery, lazy eyes and correcting them too late, and how uncomfortable it is to get kicked in the ribs by your unborn baby, but I'll have to take her word on that one.

When I got home I ate some pretzels and checked up on any changes in the internet world. For dinner I had a vegan Mexican frozen dinner and it was really good. I usually get the one with rice, beans, and a burrito, but this one just had rice and some sort of breaded burrito thing with green sauce. I don't know if that is actually descriptive. It has a very recognizable name but I can't remember it and I don't want to go dig through the trash.

Tonight I watched The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and kind of worked on the pineapple thing I want to cut out. It was really a halfhearted effort because I wasn't very motivated and I was into the movie. I really liked the book because I could relate to a lot of it, minus a lot of it actually, which is weird but still true. And I don't think I was disappointed at all by the movie. The casting was well done and that played a major role because the wrong cast would have completely tanked it for me. The adaptation from the book was also spot on, helped by the fact that the author wrote and directed the movie. At least I think he did. Either way, I liked what was included and agreed with what wasn't. I would like to watch it again at some point but I will need to be in the mood for a bit of a downer. Because the movie gets a bit dark at times. Which would explain the first paragraph of this entry. It isn't always safe to start writing when I've just watched something mildly depressing. I almost watched Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World. If I had, this entry would have been way darker. I really liked that movie, despite how depressing it was. It is probably one of my favorite movies in the relatively recent past. I am drawn to depressing things even though I hate being sad. Apparently part of me does not agree with that hatred.