April 9, 2013

I forgot to mentioned something that happened yesterday when I was talking with my favorite substitute in the computer lab. A group of adults comes in to read with some of the kids at the end of the day. I don't know how often this happens but they come in at least every Monday because that is when the second grade class comes to the lab and shortly after that the adults show up to go read with them. I think it's called the School Of Hope or something. Anyway, it turns out one of the guys is a local politician. I didn't know this but when he came in the substitute teacher started talking to him saying that she voted for him in the recent elections and asking him different questions. Then, immediately after he walked out, she turned to me and in a lowered voice said “I didn't vote for him. I voted for all the women.” I lowered my voice and replied “Me too.”

The toilets at school all have sensors. The sensor in the faculty bathroom has been awful since the beginning of the year and I would always have to hold my hand over the sensor for what felt like forever, even though it was probably less than ten seconds, just to get the toilet to flush. Recently however, someone tweaked it and the sensor has become an oversensitive sensor. Today it flushed three times and I was just standing there.

During the third grade state assessment today the teacher and I were standing in the back of the lab and watched two kids in a row make a simple Math mistake and neither of them even attempted to use the provided calculator. (Even though the teacher and I aren't supposed to be looking at the computer screens. Shhh). So the teacher looked at me and whispered “Do you think I can remind the class to use the calculator?” I started to say something but then she raised her voice and said “Hey, do you think I can remind the kids to use their calculators?” She really emphasized all of her words and it was hilarious. One of the kids went back and used the calculator but the other kid is stubborn and apparently has a history of not doing something when he knows it is right, if the teacher tells him to do it. So he got the wrong answer.

Today there really wasn't a lot going on. Kind of the same old day. My second grade reading group was all present so they were awful and we didn't get a lot done. Kind of frustrating.

Shortly after work I took my car over to park in my sister's garage again because there was a chance for a severe thunderstorm and hail. An hour or so later there was a bit of torrential rain that lasted for a few minutes but that has been about it. It better start hailing in the middle of the night. I'm fairly certain the one time I don't take it over to park in the garage it is going to hail.

Tonight I have just kind of been feeling out of it. Once again I really want to do something. I want to be creative and do something purposeful with my free time but I just can't bring myself to do anything. I want to find a passion and dive headfirst into it but I have no idea what that passion would be and I can't bring myself to start anything. A thought will come to mind and then my over-thinking mind will think all the way through the thought, with all the various outcomes, and I don't see the point in starting. I have that problem a lot in my life. I apparently don't like surprises because I always feel the need to come up with every possible outcome for any given situation. This has been the case in past relationships as well as school and work and possible future endeavors. It can be exhausting and is in no way productive. I kind of use a variation on this when trying to pick a movie to watch. If I really want to watch it but can remember almost the entire thing for the last time I watched it, I won't watch it because I feel like it would be a waste of time. Especially after I just kind of re-watched the whole thing in super fast forward in my head. But the same thing happens when it comes to possible relationships or just possible things to do with my time or life. If my mind can run through the whole thing and all the different outcomes, I don't see the point in even starting. I don't like this but I can't seem to turn it off.

I just want to be productive and do something meaningful with my life. The majority of my days just seem wasted. I am fully aware of the finite life I am living but even that can't seem to give me the kick in the pants I need to stop wasting my time.

I need to get out of my head.