July 9, 2016

This semester, my last semester of graduate school, I believe I have finally flown too close to the Sun. There are just barely enough hours in the day to meet all my obligations and that's only if I don't do anything else, like get a full night of rest, or eat food. And of course I'm doing everything but the things I need to because I am in full shutdown mode. The stress has broken my will. It is overwhelming and oppressive and obnoxious. All I can do is focus on how little time I have, which means I have even less time because I have wasted it calculating my time rather than using it wisely. Classes are over on August 5^th, which is great, but also terrible because I need more time. I will definitely make it to the 5^th but I don't know if all of my assignments will make it there with me. I feel like I need to just start drinking caffeine again and pull all-nighters every night until this is over. I would say this is when I start regretting all that time I spent earlier in the semester doing nothing but I also kind of feel like this was an inevitability. All of my years of procrastination and just skating by have finally caught up with my in my last semester of school. I feel miserable but physically and mentally. Or maybe just as a human being in general. All I want to do is focus and get shit done but I can't. I can't focus on any one thing because as soon as I try I start thinking about all the other stuff I need to do. I am exhausted and completely drained and it is becoming increasingly harder to try and hide that fact. I don't even know anymore.

But let's continue avoiding the things I need to be doing and talk about my day. When I got to work this morning my main responsibility was counting the register money and making a deposit. It got super confusing because when I was trained the drawer worked out perfectly and this morning that was not the case. It took me way too long to figure it out and I'm not entirely sure I did. And no one else could help me because the only people trained in doing that are the adult services librarians, of which I was the only one today. It doesn't seem like the best business strategy to keep the knowledge base so small.

I took down two displays today and put up new ones. The first was my Hamilton Read Alike display. One book was checked out from it shortly after I put it up, so that's a good start. Although my Classics DVD display also had a few checkouts shortly after I made it and now it has slowed down. I blame the location and the presentation of the tiny cart the DVDs are on. Anyway, I also took down all the books on the Historical Fiction display and replaced them with my own. I don't have a lot of faith in that one because it also has a horrible location. But we'll see.

I also helped a couple people with the printer, an old man find a bunch of hotels for an upcoming trip, read through some of the operations manual, and I finished reading the article on weeding that I think I have to talk about next week. So I did things.

The end of the evening announcements were working tonight, although the volume fluctuated a few times so I was worried. It did make my life a little better as soon as they came on and I realized I wouldn't have to make the announcements over the phone.

During lunch I wasn't able to leave the library because I was in charge of the place, which is ridiculous, but I spent the time working on one of my blog entries. I made progress but haven't made any since I've been home. Which is unacceptable at this point. I am completely behind the wheel of my own self-destruction right now and I can't seem to do anything to correct it. I would really like to stop sounding like an emo kid and go back to enjoying life a little more.

Now the question is, do I go to bed now and wake up early to work on my blog posts before work, or do I stay up late to work on them and then wake up early to work on them some more. I think I'm going with sleep but I'm worried it's one of those times where even though I am drained I will just lay in bed, unable to turn my brain off. I guess we'll find out. I should be able to get in at least four hours tomorrow before work. And possibly some time at work because I don't know that I have anything pressing that I need to work on. Ideally I would be done before work or at least before I leave work so I can get them posted and then spend the rest of the night putting in hours for my practicum. It all sounds good now but I know it won't go that smoothly. My brain won't allow it.